Who knew
I sit in front of a blank white page, I can feel my heart beating as I take a deep breath, and decide to write to you, dear readers. I’m finally ready to share with you one of the experiences that have shaped my life.
But who knew back then? When I was sitting in a wheelchair… who knew that I would still be able to walk up the stairs or even run? Who knew, that in the moment of truth, my choice would be to live, and that I would even have the power and ability to choose? Who knew I could beat the fears and pains and that I would come out of this battle winning?


One fine day
I’m sitting in a wheelchair, which has been an inseparable part of me for the last month. The chair has been my vehicle, a kind of replacement for my agonizing legs who can no longer transport me. I sit in this chair and wait tensely to enter the room where doctors are debating the condition and fate of my health. Occasionally, I glance at the bench, where my husband is sitting, slightly bent forward with his face held in his palms, reflecting the concern over the situation and the general uncertainty that hit us one fine day.
And just like that, one fine day, I could no longer feel my legs.
A type of paralysis accompanied by a feeling of helplessness, life has changed for me; I ceased to be the Irit I was until that day… My journey began, it seemed to commence unannounced, there were no alarms going off or bells ringing, I thought it happened all of a sudden! In retrospect, I did not understand the signs…


In recent weeks
(Two weeks earlier) I wake up in the morning with an excruciating pain in my back. I can’t get out of bed. I want to get up and go to my son’s room to wake him up and get him ready for kindergarten, but I can’t do it.
As I am lying here in pain, I feel that I really need to pee, but again, I can’t do this on my own.
“What an embarrassment!”, I mutter to myself, realizing I have no choice, and resorted to calling my husband, explaining to him the state I am in, and allowing him to pick me up and carry me to the bathroom. I mention no word about feeling so ashamed about the situation, choosing to ignore it, as if it is not really happening to me.
Without saying a word, my husband carries me to the bathroom.
Following a blood test and back x-rays, the doctor informs me that my immune system is not working correctly, and some of the values in the test results are double what they should be, which ​​indicates an extreme inflammation. I was given antibiotics and was told to rest.
A week later, I did a series of tests again to see if there is an improvement, but the results actually showed that the condition worsened!
Even at that point I still couldn’t fully digest the situation. I still didn’t comprehend the severity of my condition. I was trying to carry on “business as usual” (mentally and physically), not recognizing that my condition was getting worse! I kept telling myself “my body overcame the severe back pain, and now I’m standing on my feet and moving again, it is ‘business as usual’ “.
But not for long…


Excessive fatigue
I noticed in the last two weeks that I am more tired than usual, but I immediately attribute it to the menstrual cycle, the back pain episode and of course, the lack of sleep as a result of being the mother of a two and half year old toddler, a sweet boy who has lit my world and opened my heart. This little toddler is waking up at night and asks to see that his mother is here, as if he is sensing that something is happening to her and he therefore needs to see his mother smile, feel her stroking his face and hear her wishing him good night and reassure him that everything is OK.
I wake up on Friday morning; get ready to leave the house, thinking that Friday should be easy as it is a short day and I only work until 1 pm. However, as I get to the stairs leading to the parking. My feet get extremely painful; I find it impossible to climb stairs, every step feels like climbing Everest!
“What is that? Why is it hurting so much?” I ask myself.
Along with the feeling of pain in the legs, I feel an unusual fatigue, I feel like I am being consumed… I start to drive and call my husband, “I’m really tired, I’m going to come home, get into bed to rest and recuperate. I’m dead tired”.
That doesn’t happen… I wake up and still feel as exhausted as I did before I went down.
Sunday comes, the start of a new week, in which we wish ourselves a good and fruitful week, and seize the opportunity to achieve new things.
But that wasn’t the case for me…


Wheelchair
I’m starting the day on my feet, yet, I finish it sitting in a wheelchair…
I was just about to finish the course I was taking. I volunteered to help children from a poor family and I was required to take a prerequisite training. In the course of the two hours session, I felt my legs swell up; become painful and uncomfortable in my shoes. I asked the instructor’s permission to remove my shoes.
I’m sitting here with everyone in the class, so close to the finish line, how can it be that I’m not listening to the instructor? I am annoyed at my legs; they are grabbing all my attention.
“Wait a minute!” I tell myself, “Get your act together, get over it”.
I try to collect myself and reconnect to the dialogue in the class, but I can’t, I am too distracted by the pain in my legs.
In order to avoid disrupting my classmates, I’m gritting my teeth until the end of the session. When it finally ends, I turn to my friend and say “Help me up, I can’t get up on my own, I can barely step on my feet.”

Hanging off my friend’s shoulders on the way to the elevator, I’m feeling severe pain and can’t physically lift my legs and walk. Then it dawns on me, “this could only be very bad news. I can’t lift my feet, what is happening to me?”
My friend helps me get into the car; she does it carefully and delicately.

We get home, and I find myself sitting on a chair in the middle of my kitchen and realizing that I have no choice, it’s time to go to the hospital and find out what is happening to me. It’s time to be brave and listen to the doctors’ diagnostics, I have been avoiding it for nearly three weeks now.

I’m scared. I know inside that something is wrong, I don’t want to let go of my old reality, I want to continue “business as usual”. I think to myself “business as usual is the best way to go!”, I’m holding on to it, I just want to continue my life as a daughter ,a mother ,a wife, “as usual” . At least that’s what I thought…

I finally speak and say “I need to be admitted, I am not well”. My husband looks at me and nods. When my mom arrives to look after my son, I realize that this is it, there is no way back, I’m stepping into the unknown…

“Women’s business”I ask my friend and my mother to help me pluck the hairs on my legs that have grown in the last month. I laugh and say “the benefit of not feeling my legs is that I wouldn’t feel the hair plucking.” I try to laugh to break the tension, so I continue “I want to prepare and look ‘hot’ when I meet the doctor.” We all smile lightly, and my friend says “Is that really what is bothering you right now?!” (In retrospect, it really was funny 🙂


Department of Internal Medicine B
It’s night time, my husband and I arrive at the hospital and minutes after I am seen by the doctor, I find myself hospitalized at the Department of Internal Medicine B, lying motionless in bed with sore feet and dressed in hospital attire. A sense of concern comes in from every direction. Fear looks me in the eyes, and I look back at it, I feel that our looks are locked, and we are both silent.

Over the next few weeks, the doctors performed every possible test on me, including MRI ,CT ,daily blood tests , cardio pulmonary exercise ,Holter ,leg muscles test, biopsy, etc… Various experts and medical students came to inspect the phenomenon. There were findings called – Erythema Nodosum, “what is that?” I think to myself, “is it a new type of curse?”
Students are standing around me, touching and shaking my ankles and knees, as if my body is rare specimen.
With every touch I feel an excruciating pain cut through my body! I lie helpless in bed, tearful because of my condition.

Decision
Seeing the door opening made my thoughts immediately disappear. One of the doctors asked me to come unaccompanied into the room.

I exchanged a worried look with my husband as I was slowly rolling myself on the wheelchair towards the room, feeling my nervousness getting the better of me.

“Take a deep breathe” I say to myself, “Smile”. In the room I see a circle-shaped desk, with eight doctors sitting around it looking extremely busy as they go through what seems to be copies of my medical file, on the table.
I was desperately looking for some eye contact, to take comfort, recognize some empathy. Or at least a pair of eyes that say, “Hi there, I see you”.

But there was nothing. There was a chilling silence, I wanted to shout “God, somebody say something! I want to get this over and done with and go somewhere else”.

One doctor begins to talk and asks for my name, as if to confirm that I am who I should be. Swiftly after he starts to explain to me about my condition, still avoiding any eye contact, as if he prefers to look through the papers rather than look me in the eye. He fiddles with the paper and continues “Your situation is not good and we can’t really say what happened to you. We have diagnosed three different diseases you are suffering from, Sarcoidosis, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and potentially, Muscular Dystrophy”.

Another physician adds “Unfortunately with muscular atrophy disease the typical life span is at most 10 years.” I sit and listen to the barrage of words unfamiliar to me, names of diseases, explanations, worryingly amount of uncertainty of the doctors. Still many questions are floating in my head, and none of the doctors are able to explain to me how it happened. I want to hold on to something that could make sense of it all, that would calm down the storm in my head and the fear in my heart.
I sit down in a wheelchair, in front of a group of doctors, feeling that I am free falling into an icy pool (of life) hitting my body on everything on the way, lonely and lost.

The doctor goes on to explain “the only known remedy that we know of and can help in this condition is to take huge amounts of cortisone for an extensive period, which would gradually decreased depending on the way your body responds”.


A Slippery Thought
A quick elusive thought goes through my head. It must be a result of trying to apply logic to the new insane situation, but as quickly as it comes it also subsides in the sea of confusion and disappears.

The thought was: “If I brought those diseases upon myself, I should also be able to get rid of them”!
This thought was gone as quickly as it came in, yet, in hindsight, I can tell you this quick thought was a covert insight, that saved my life.

Sitting helpless in the wheelchair surrounded by the doctors, I remember that my mother had an experience with cortisone (drag?) in the past, it nearly destroyed her, and I remember her suffering.

I’m thinking “cortisone is some type of poison” and out of internal and unexplainable instinct, I immediately refuse to accept the treatment, and I ask for a treatment that would be less aggressive on my body, despite my request, the doctors unanimously declaring “This is the treatment we recommend!”, and even adding that it would involve close monitoring of at least twice a month at the lung department in the hospital.

The room falls silent; the doctors are waiting to hear my answer. Without hesitation, I repeat “I will not take this poison into my body!”.

I wonder to myself, “where is this courage to say no is coming from? And so decisive? Do you even have a privilege to refuse at this stage? After all, you are sitting in a wheelchair and the doctors are offering you a solution. Do you have any other solution? Come on, make an effort, ask something, and demand answers”. I’m ignoring the storm of emotions bubbling inside me, and do my best to concentrate at what the doctors are saying.

When the doctors understand that this is my unchangeable decision, they ask that I go over to the table to sign a form which states that I refuse to accept their treatment recommendation, and therefore the hospital absolves responsibility for my health and the responsibility falls solely on me. I need to sign separately for every doctor, so I roll myself around the table until all 8 signatures are done.

I was discharged from the hospital, without understanding what is going on, how I got here, and what am I going to do now.

I’m looking at my condition, creating something that resembles an inventory list
1. I’m in a wheelchair
2. There is a large swelling with shades of red and blue around my feet and ankles called Erythema Nodosum.
3. I have a disease called Sarcoidosis (I can’t even say the word, let alone understand what it means)
4. I have yuppie disease, which is primarily a chronic fatigue
5. And finally…  risk of Muscular Dystrophy
6. In addition, I am in my early thirties and my cardio tests indicate that I have the cardiovascular fitness of a 70-year old, I am in critical physical condition. The doctors provided me with a reference titled “urgent” to the head of the department of Hadassa Ein-Kerem hospital in Jerusalem, to provide a final diagnosis to determine whether I suffer from muscular dystrophy.
7. I’m in pain, confused and shocked! Still not digesting that the episode of the doctor’s diagnosis has concluded. I refused to accept the therapy offered to me, and now, it is only me, and God.

That’s how I left the hospital …
Where am I going from here? I did not even know where to start …

Way to a solution
For days I’m at home, lying in a special bed provided to me. I am just lying without a purpose, staring, feeling my sore legs, dead tired, overwhelmed, suppressing emotions, confused, self-absorbed and detached from anything around me. “I really have no strength to hear anything! And even less to say anything”.

I feel I ceased to exist!

After several weeks at the same condition, after I undergone an examination for muscular dystrophy by the neurologist, who has given me the good news that I haven’t got it (“Yessssss!”), yet, I have an inexplicable muscle weakness in my legs.


My Angel
One day, a man, who I have never seen before, enters. He came accompanied by my friend’s mother, she turns to me and say “Meet Gal, the therapist I was telling you about, he wants to help you” I nod in agreement.

I’m trying to jog my memory, which has repressed a lot of these events. I can remember Gal talking to me about the situation, explaining something about water, fire… I do not really get it, I am mostly crying from the pain in my legs. Gal is massaging my feet and I’m suffering from excruciating pains. I am crying and begging him to stop. After all, I have already cried enough to fill a few bathtubs full of tears in the last two months, Gal continues to talk to me and touch my feet, I feel like I am in a never-ending nightmare.

Suddenly Gal rises up and says, “You are the only one who can choose, I’m here to help you. When you choose, call me, and I will come here to your home, to help you. You choose and I will be here!”

What? What the hell is he saying? What is there to choose between? How is this related to my condition? All I can think about is how much he has just hurt me; couldn’t he see what he was doing to me? Can’t he tell that I’m not prepared to go through this again? I just want everything to stop and everyone to leave me alone!

Whenever I try to describe Gal, I always feel I fall short; Gal was a guardian angel that was sent to me. He arrived to my house three times a week to treat me. He has done it with all his heart, from being such a loving human being, from being so sensitive and understanding of my suffering. And at the same time, he didn’t give-in to me, yet, didn’t give-up on me.


Feeling my legs again?!
After three months of Gal’s treatment, I began to stagger on my feet, what an achievement. As I recall these moments, I feel a shiver down my spine and I’m overflowed by excitement.

“Hold on”, dear readers, with your permission I would like to re-live it; “It’s really me, right?! That’s not a mistake? I’m standing on my feet without any support? Is it real? Is it all the result of Gal’s treatment in the last three months? He treated me by touching my feet, acupuncture, breathing exercises, and words of encouragement, and… suddenly my feet are stronger and I am able to stand up? I’m already getting better? Is that it?”

What is there beyond the treatment of my physical body? I have yet to discover my true power…

After five months of treatment at home. I am really starting to walk. Soon enough, I begin travelling twice a week to Gal’s clinic for more treatment. During the two and a half years where I’m sick and in a bad place both physically and mentally, Gal, my guardian angel, continuously supports me, he help me grow stronger and stronger. He helps me not to fall back, since I’m still at a very delicate mental and health condition.
 

The final leap
Oops… What happened? “I’m pregnant!” yes, it is an oops, since I’m already 2 months pregnant and I had no idea.

I came to the doctor for a routine check-up, he reviewed my recent medical tests and said to me “You’re pregnant, and the bad news is, that we recommend you undergo an abortion, otherwise you endanger yourself, your baby’s health and its normal development. The hormonal changes that would take place in your body during the pregnancy could inflame the disease at any given moment. We have decided that we are not taking any risks with you! We recommend that you terminate the pregnancy! Moreover, if you do decide to continue the pregnancy and god forbid your health deteriorates, then you would concede to taking cortisone in order to treat the illness. In addition we would like to let you know the implications to the baby’s health, as a result of the cortisone, which he will absorb through you, it could harm him physically and cause conditions such as a cleft lip and all sorts of other conditions”

I was stunned! “Me? Pregnant? When did that happen?”
This was another sign for me that I was not fully present in my own life.

I was sent home for the weekend, with a request to call back with a decided course of action in regards to the pregnancy.

“I love what I have in my womb!” I immediately became emotionally attached; I stroked my little belly lovingly and knew there and then, that I am not giving up on this child. I was already receiving and giving love and intuitively I knew that this pregnancy was important and meaningful!

“I have decided”, I informed the doctor; “I’m keeping my child”.

I find myself, once again, signing a waiver acknowledging the doctor’s warning about both mine and my unborn child’s health.

Tears of joy are streaming down my cheeks, as I’m signing the document. My hands are shaking with excitement and with an overwhelming sense of love for the fetus in my womb. I’m signing! I know this pregnancy is going to be good for me, I know it is going to be positive and a defining experience for me.

And what a child came into my world following this pregnancy? Wow! A magical person! Since I’ve already mentioned him… I gave birth to an amazing, healthy and smiling child.  A real sweetie with a pure soul and birth given sense of values, a divine child! Today, he is already 16 years old, beautiful, with a heart of gold. He gives me nothing but pleasure and a sense of joy and a privilege to accompany him throughout the years.

This pregnancy boosted my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing. I no longer feel tired and exhausted. My legs are moving forward! Wanting to catch up on everything that they missed. My heart is joyful. I breathe in ease, realizing that life has given me another chance to live it to the fullest, and this time, I’m not going to miss out!


Learning
Today, after many years of reflecting back, when asking myself “What did you learn about yourself? What wisdom did you gain? What are you doing differently?” I recognize that my primary learning is mostly about my power as a person, I’ve learned that even when I thought I had no power, and death was knocking at my door, even there – there is a lot of strength!

I realized that there were a few stops along the way, and in the places I stopped to listen to my heart, really listen! “There” I was rewarded with gifts. When I was wise enough to listen to these places and actively take action and use the gifts that I’ve received, “there” I’ve experienced the most significant leaps in my journey.
“There” I have pumped in oxygen into life! “There” I was shaping my own way, sometimes “digging” with my bare hands, in retrospective, it was hard, yet, it was “there” that I have received the strength to keep on going, not to give up, to float, to hang in there, to cope, and to win!

That is how I learned about my strength, that was my choice, and I thank god, since this way I found “myself” and it is priceless! However, today I understand that I don’t have to go through such agony, to understand, learn and promote myself. Dramas of this magnitude are not necessary, and once I found my real strength through my journey, a new chapter has begun. I started channeling it to other places. I use it to build myself, my family and benefit others.

I went to explore the area of “human beings”, from different perspectives, medical, scientific and spiritual. I spent thousands of hours studying various methodologies providing me with information, wisdom and insight. I was exposed to a vast amount of knowledge and along with a lot of faith, enthusiasm and a “touch” of personal experience from the “University of Life”, I have acquired a strong desire to share the knowledge of this power and use it to also strengthen others.


Leveraging forward
I have developed a methodology, thinking that it will help and strengthen others, where ever they are !
Thanks to my fondness for children, I have decided to start off with working with children with behavioral and learning difficulties.

This grew like a rolling snowball! Questions started to pop up from everywhere, I was asked to advise the families of the children I worked with, and so I grew and expanded ,and continued to provide ample knowledge, and with great love! People came to me from all over the country, as they realize that the method I developed is easy to understand and implement.

I found myself functioning as a “Super Nanny “, running between different homes, resolving conflicts for children, between children, between children and parents, and for parents as a couple. In addition, I learned business consulting, and I also started advising companies and heads of organizations. I said to myself “I love people and I will be where ever they are and where ever my help is needed.” This is what I do, this is who I am.

I was flooded with great interest, inquiries and job opportunities, which helped me increase awareness and get to more people. I was happy! Every time! Seeing people I touched becoming happier, more aware, more confident, and loving themselves more, made ​​me happy and fulfilled like never before.


Gratitude
I’m excited to write the following lines, yet, I don’t take it for granted. I am grateful with all my heart that I got to this moment, I’m grateful for the goodness, I earned in my life.

I thank myself for the wonderful opportunity to dream, not give up, heal, grow, learn and pass on the knowledge and experience, with great love!

I thank you my eldest son, you have a big heart! You’re both smart and clever. I’m constantly learning from the love that is flowing from you in such a natural, beautiful, sensitive and pure way. It keeps overwhelming me every time.

I thank you my younger son, for the wonderful gift you gave us both – life! You are the gift of my life!

Special thanks to you my dear husband, for the partnership, loyalty, faith, continuous giving, and your great love. You brought divine light into our lives!

You my gorgeous girl, your kindness give me the understanding to love what I’ve got, to love life and everything that it brings with it! You inspire me to always strive and improve. Your presence reminds me that everything is, eventually, in our favor (especially the “lesser” things that happen to us, which invite us to learn more about ourselves and to become wiser and grow…).

And to you my business partner and partner to the great vision, to you, for believing in me, and extending your hand helping me cross the barricade and get to a place, where, deep inside, I always knew that I belong to. To you I thank with all my heart and soul!

My magical parents, thank you for all that you have chosen and knew to give me! I love you for your kindness and for your great will to make things for me and my brothers better. And for you my dear brothers, you are part of my journey, and I’m glad that you’re with me every step of the way.

My dear family, both close and extended, you are all very dear to my heart, I salute you and love you with all my soul!

A special thanks to you Judy. Thank you for the great support and help you have given me to bring this story to light, a story which so few people heard and familiar with. I have gained so much value by writing it! Thank you!

And you dear readers, without you, I wouldn’t have written it! Knowing that you exist has given me the courage to reveal my story! You are my inspiration! I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Big thanks to the creation and the infinite space we live in!
To my Source, thank you for your power, I find it exists, whenever I need it.

Yours Truly,
Irit Oz