I want more
They define the age of 40 as the wisdom age. It was an age in which I’ve looked back on the experiences I’ve been through and where I had gotten to.
Well, I’m married, I have 2 sons, a strong, confident and comfortable family unit, we love creating together, making dreams come true, helping the community and the good people around us, doing what we love, and it all fits, up until that moment when something bubbled up inside of me and wouldn’t let go.
The desire to have another baby, to experience another pregnancy and birth, is echoing inside of me, to experience a creation inside of me, to get the added value of being a woman, to top it all off with a longtime fantasy – having boys and girls, experiencing raising both sexes.
I want a baby girl, that’s all! A baby girl to extend the family.

The decision
My amazing partner left it up to me, he’s with me – no matter what! Having the possibility made me decide that I want to bring another child to the world.
When you decide having another child, you go about your normal life only you have to start paying attention to stuff like: menstrual dates, ovulation, and eating more carefully.
After over 6 months of no pregnancy, I went to the doctor to take blood tests and make sure everything was in order.
The doctor made sure the tests were normal and due to my advanced age, suggested we would seek help, support and encouragement in the process of getting pregnant, in whatever ways the advanced medicine had to offer.
I still hadn’t gotten the meaning of the recommendation, I only knew that I had devoted myself to anything the doctor recommended! We want pregnancy, don’t we? The answer was yes! So, I focused on that knowledge.
We got to a clinic specializing in assisting couples getting pregnant, accurately guiding them by ovulation day and an ultrasound showing the number of follicles there are in the ovary, and let’s get to it!
In the beginning, we were very excited and indeed it was a celebration joined by expectation, emotions, insecurities, hope, joy, thinking it was right around the corner…

The pregnancy
After a few ultrasound tests, I got pregnant! The joy, excitement, anticipation, revival, the stomach popping out with each passing day and the excitement as we’ve told the boys and the extended family, it knew no boundaries!!!
My stomach grew in front of my eyes, and the progression of the pregnancy was no longer ignorable. I went shopping for maternity wear, what a joy!
The pregnancy slowly became a part of my life, the initial excitement had settled, and I began devoting myself to being pregnant. We’ve made it!!!
Since I’ve crossed the age of 40, we’ve decided to be treated by a private, worldwide known physician in the over 40’s pregnancies.

Death folded into life
It happened after an enjoyable weekend with the family. We came to a routine checkup where we learned the fetus had no pulse.
I’ve stopped breathing along with the fetus, I felt the blood draining from my body, I was frozen and stunned! I asked the doctor to check again, maybe he had mistaken, maybe he didn’t notice it, maybe it seemed for a moment the fetus wasn’t breathing and that there’s no pulse but he’ll start moving in a second and maybe… maybe… maybe…
The emotional turmoil and the thoughts were cut off with the doctor’s ruling, “It’s final, there’s no pulse, I’m sorry.”
As I climbed off the ultrasound bed, I watched, for the last time, the frozen picture on the monitor, watched my gestational sac and in it, my unmoving fetus! It felt like I was watching a movie and that I just hit “pause”… what a difference! I was living the movie and I felt the stagnation, from head to toe.
The doctor left the room to write down the hospital referral. Since I was at a advanced stage of my pregnancy, I had to undergo surgery.
Dazed, drained, numb! I didn’t know what to feel! An unlimited happiness, which in a matter of seconds was taken away! The option hadn’t even crossed my mind, and when it presented itself, instead of the fetus kicking, it was reality.
I haven’t yet comprehended the news and the doctor had already stuck in an envelope his recommendation to go as soon as possible to the hospital and immediately terminate the pregnancy.
I felt like a robot, unattached, unable to cry or mourn, I acted from shock and the only thing on my mind was the dead fetus I am carrying.
We notified the boys that I’m going in for a surgery to terminate the pregnancy.
A sense of heaviness and of gloom took over me, I felt like I was being led to slaughter, like I was escorting my body, but felt no emotional connection to it.
After the surgery and the recovery I gave myself and my body, we’ve allowed ourselves family time in which we’ve held each other and our togetherness, in order to reunite, recover and reconcile.

The will has its will
The need for a baby girl resurfaced, the will to carry on and give ourselves another shot at a pregnancy too powerful.
And once again, months pass and no pregnancy in the horizon.
Stress and tension envelop us, both from the pain and ordeal of the terminated pregnancy still echoing inside of me and my body, and also the expectancy for a new pregnancy.
The medical environment we’ve created around us, the one that measures every indicator my body produces, had begun creating a mechanical and automatic environment, the sense of a mission, not really paying attention to the emotional aspect. I’ve demanded more and more from my body, to satisfy everyone’s need and anticipation for pregnancy, a need that only grew as the pressure and pain did.
A fatigue and feel of failure developed, sour moods crept up, accompanied by the fresh memory of a dead fetus inside of me and the termination of the pregnancy which took place not months ago.
The process seemed endless and my changing moods became regular visitors! The sense of insecurity and of not having any control overcame me, eventually leading to a disappointing result and a sense of failure with each passing month. I felt like I failed as a woman.

Marching on…
We’ve received another suggestion from the doctor. Insemination. It had a better chance for a pregnancy.
We agreed right away! “Anything that will get us closer to getting pregnant – we’ll do it!”
Accompanied by my partner, I entered the doctor’s clinic. After a short questioning and the ultrasound data that showed there were ripe follicles, I laid down with my legs spread and elevated and waited for the semen my husband had previously given, so that the doctor would perform a monitored insertion.
While waiting, I was feeling tense and uncomfortable and when the doctor was about to inject, I kept tensing in spite of him asking me to relax my body, I shut my eyes tightly, wanting to disappear! Something didn’t quite feel right with the process and still, I mumbled to myself, “The will triumphs everything! There’s also modern medicine and ways to speed up the process and help my body, there’s also good will on our end and things are looking up for us!!! It’ll be okay, just a little bit of pain and discomfort for the creation of a new life, it’s worth it, isn’t it?!”
After just a few tries, I’ve felt fed up and physically repulsed by the process.

Carrying on…
The doctor suggested that we move towards fertilization.
At that stage, it sounded like the best option for me! I couldn’t seem to develop a physical intuition, something wasn’t working out and I accepted an outside help and guidance, with the help of the doctors and the wonders of the advanced medicine.
Once again I found myself going through a long and winding road.
We went through about 20 different tests. Starting from blood work, womb X-Ray, various gynecological tests, ultrasounds, and up to daily hormonal treatments we perform independently, injections into my stomach when the goal is to stimulate the ovaries into making follicles.
The entire process was accompanied by tears, pain, stress, tension, and when we got the date for the extraction of the follicles, again, I checked into the hospital, and my body experienced what felt like an endless probing and poking.
During the wait, my whole world revolved around questions like, “Did they find good follicles?”, “Did the sperm get absorbed in the egg?”, “Did it work, did it not work?” In the best case scenario, when we were told it worked, we rushed back to the hospital for the insertion of the artificial match into my womb, hoping it will develop into a pregnancy. When that didn’t happen and my menstrual arrived, along came the sadness, disappointment, sense of failure and the unattainable desire – all of these came rushing back! Above it all loomed the question we still couldn’t answer, “Why is this not happening? We’re doing everything by the book.” I wanted this to happen already.
We’ve decided to give another chance to another round and this time we’ve switched doctors.
Since I didn’t agree to injecting tons of hormones into my body and I didn’t want to go through the regular, hurtful preparation procedure, we’ve turned to another doctor, about an hour drive from where we were living, a doctor who had listened to our feelings and let my body respond without filling it up with hormone injections.
I told myself, “Remember to listen to your body.”
Both of the more natural tries with the new doctor didn’t succeed.

A short time out
We’ve decided to stop with the intrusive procedures. It felt like we’ve lost ourselves into the insanity of wanting and needing to get pregnant.
We were tired from this last year which was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting. We agreed to give ourselves a rest, we took a break from making plans and we wanted some peace and quiet.
There were a few months of peace, we didn’t deal with the pregnancy issue at all. Life was normal again.

A slight delay, it happens
Several months after deciding to go back to normal, my period was late. I figured it was due any day. I told myself, “A slight delay, it happens.”
However, the notion that the lateness could mean pregnancy gnawed in me. I prayed for it to stay away…
I’ve decided to not yet tell anyone about the delay and when 2 weeks later the period still hadn’t shown, I went and bought a home test and what do you know? – 2 stripes on the stick announced I was pregnant.
A chill ran down my spine! Instantaneously I was brought back to life! I immediately went to my partner with the stick and told him the happy news.
Only the joy didn’t last long, right at the beginning of the pregnancy there were already signs of a slow pulse but we still had hope that if I rest, the pregnancy will get stronger. That’s it! It’s happening! This is the one!
A few weeks later, I went into the bathroom and had a miscarriage.

A pain that comes with wisdom
I cried a bath full of tears for the 2 failed pregnancies. I pitied myself, closed up, and didn’t want anything!
My partner took charge of the house, taking care of the boys, and was worried about my reaction. Day in and day out I lived the painful ordeals, the struggle, the results and the price we’ve paid for wanting a baby girl.
After a few months, I realized that I want to become a parent.
Whoa! I told myself, “Do you realize what it is you want? You want to become a parent! There’s no need for you to become one through your womb, you’re open to other directions.”
I was stunned and it finally hit me – “I want to be a parent to another child, that is the base of my wish! The way will find me!!!”

I’ve met the way and it met me
And indeed it found me. I realized that somewhere in this world, there’s a pair of tiny hands wanting to be cuddled and loved.
I felt my heart expending, my body singing, and mind dancing. “I’m on the way of becoming a parent to another child I long for.” My world may have been directed to one way, but my mind let me know it doesn’t necessarily have to happen that way.
For me, it was an exciting inner revelation and thanks to it, today I hold the blessed addition to the most enchanting family in the world! Thanks to that knowledge and revelation, from a mother of 2 amazing boys, I became a mother of 3 wonderful children!
Welcome home my beloved daughter!!!

The journey continues
Since we were the parents of 2 boys, the odds to adopt a healthy child in the country we lived in at the time were hopeless, so we’ve decided on adopting from abroad.
We’ve decided to adopt!
Scared to death yet extremely excited, we both signed a lease, realizing we’ve committed to the journey of adoption and to the cost of it, about tens of thousands of Euros with no assistance from the state. We’ve committed to a sum we didn’t have at that moment.
In order to sign the lease and get the process going, we took out a loan and from that point, we’ve waited 9 months of working around the clock, signing documents, getting a certificate of good conduct from the police, undergoing personality tests, raising money, talking to the social worker, getting re-married – orthodox, according to the demand of the adoption agency – requesting help from the family and even hosting a fundraising event in order to collect money for the adoption. And the list goes on… we bought equipment, had conversations with the boys, went through an emotional process – together as a family and alone, suffered unexpected bumps but mostly, received love and support from everyone around us.

The road to you…
We’ve been gone for a month with the boys waiting for us back home.
Both of us have 2 independent businesses offering service to regular and new clients. We had to take a time out and give up work for that period.
We’ve arrived at an industrial city in Eastern Europe and during our stay, rented an apartment close to the orphanage.
A very exciting day! The day we meet our daughter!
I couldn’t sleep, realizing there are only numerous hours separating me from seeing my daughter. Our lives, as well as the life of a young, amazing girl, were about to change!
In between the smiles and tears and excitement, the thought about the meeting threw me back to when the doctor notified me the fetus had no pulse. I wondered how everything could change in an instant, except now, it changed for the best.

Heart pounding madly
When we’ve arrived to the orphanage, my heart was pounding madly! For the first time, I saw our daughter.
A small girl, propped up in a stroller, terrified of the 2 people staring at her.
This was the exciting moment we’ve waited months for and our hearts beat with excitement and fear.
Emotional, I wondered, “What now? How do we present ourselves? How are we supposed to feel?” the thoughts ran through my mind as we lifted our daughter for the first time and she was crying with all of her strength, almost trying to say something.
We started visiting there twice a day and as days passed, the connection between us grew and we were more relaxed and felt belonged.
From the moment her feet stepped on the ground she only asked for one thing – to walk and to walk some more, and don’t we dare stop because then she’d pull us and guide us to another walk.
After a month’s stay and after getting a certification of the legality of the adoption, we came back home with our daughter.

Reunited
The meeting between the boys and their new sister was moving to tears! We were reunited! Congratulations!!! Our family has grown.
The boys cooperated and accepted the addition with curiosity, relief, understanding and love that only grew.
Our girl brought joy in our lives!!! Each and every one of us!!!
Our girl got a warm, accepting, supporting and loving family.
Both inwardly and out loud, I thank the woman giving birth to my daughter. It’s a privilege for me to raise her and I wish the universe, in its own way, will meet us with the woman giving birth to her, so we could thank her and so she could see and experience the child she gave birth to!!! A child who, from the moment she’s learned to walk, hasn’t stopped running and dreams about flying.
After 4.5 years together, there’s not a day that goes by without us being grateful for her walking into our lives! Our love for her grows with every passing day and it’s amazing how much you can love someone!
We experience an endless ocean of love with her!

Love has no boundaries…
Love isn’t categorized, it does not know race or nationality, it has no rooms, drawers or limits, it is indeed endless and intoxicating.
From a young age, I’ve dreamed about having boys and girls.
Indeed, when there’s a clear will, dreams come true, in ways I’ve never even dreamed of…